This is why I only have sex with ugly girls! It lasts longer.
Just kidding. Anyways, Durex is distributing, alongside their new condoms that numb your weewee, these "Stamina Pillows." The idea behind the stamina pillow is pretty obvious, but just in case you can't figure it out they're supposed to work like this:
So you start doing it with a hot babe, and everytime you're about to end it all, stare intensely at the ugly person on printed on your pillowcase. And that's all there is to it. But that does lead to some rather boring sex if I do say so myself.
Ima get stamina bathmats, placemats on my kitchen table, a little dangly air freshener one in my car, lawn furniture, and a beach towel.
Ever wonder what it's like to be in Coldplay and be on tour? I don't really. But here's a little glimpse, as told by guitarist Johnny Buckland:
"There's sort of a whole heap of things that we do before the show. Obviously we get changed, we do a bit of singing, play the guitar and just sort of relax for a bit before. But we don't deflower any virgins or anything like that."
I hate to admit this, but I used to go to church only for the pretty girls there. And I was like 12. I was like the little kid church pimp! Jk.
Anyways, as you might already know, the father of the three brothers in Kings of Leon is a preacher - a traveling preacher. So the kids were basically on the road all year.
Well, turns out the best thing they learned by being on the road with a preacher is how to have guilt-free sex! And I thought I was cool cuz chicks would try 'n kiss me. Here's drummer Nathan:
"Yep, we'd stay at the preacher's house in that town, or if we were lucky we'd get a hotel room or something every now and then."
"I think it definitely prepared us for this. I mean, I don't think just anyone could handle being away from home for 10 months out of the year, but you know it kind of helped us not to attach ourselves to a certain place for too long because we knew we were going to have to up and leave.
"So early on in our career it was perfect for the guiltless sex with the groupies, but now that we all have relationships it's a little tough."
That dainty peach on the left gave that lovely lip to the man on the right. And the reason why is the absolutely hilarious. Brittany Phillips, 19, woke up bright and early one fine Saturday morning. Her boyfriend Todd Stewart, 35, was sleeping soundly next to her. It must have been a lovely sunrise in Ouachita Parish, Lousiana that day, because something happened to Brittany. She wanted sex! Pretty damn bad, because when sleeping beauty Todd said no, she got pretty pissed. She pressed and pressed and he said no and no. It got so bad, Todd had to get out of bed and attempt to continue his sleep on the couch. Well, that didn't go so good.
Brittany found a sharp metal object, which Todd thinks was a knife, and stabbed him in the face with it!
Let the story of Todd and Brittany be a lesson to all you guys out there. Never say no! Give it up and go back to bed. It's not so difficult. Or don't date crazy bitches, 'cause that might work to!
Anything is art today. All these people gathered around to watch this perfomance 'artist' give a blow job to a microphone. I love how she downs her wine first. Does she go have a cigarette after?
I think I she could've put a little more effort into her 'art,' but that's just my opinion.
Are Santa's hands wandering?? This ad is a public service announcement from the British Pregnancy Advisory Service, reminding women not to forget their birth control supplies this holiday season.
Cuz I don't think Santa's packing condoms. Misses Claus wouldn't like that!
Well actually yeah it is. It's a condom with a ruler printed on the side. For you know, measuring.
It's called the Condometric and it comes inNatural Power, Cherry Rider, Katana Lima and Papito Banana. Don't even ask about the names - I'm confused. Papito? Is that the mexican one? So the point of the Condometric is, well: "the first prophylactic that measures and shows off the penis’ length. Condometric helps us flaunt what we’ve got. It’s about believing we can handle whatever we wish to take on, regardless of size."
Just what everyone wants to do. Hold up a used condom and stare at it! And then argue over centimeters because you know that shit's going to happen!
For whatever reason, women were supposed to hate sex in 1894. And not only that, they were supposed to make it absolutely miserable for men! What a crappy world! I guess some old lady wrote a "how to" for women to learn to hate sex and have as little of it as possible. It's because they didn't have good music back then. Music makes you want to have sex. Anyways, here's some of the awesome advice the old hag has for women:
MOST men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices, including performing the normal act in abnormal positions, mouthing the female body and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
MANY men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must ensure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise he might be encouraged to soon try for more.
THE wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly — and as time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
ONCE in bed, the wife should turn off all the lights and make no sound to guide her husband in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement.
WHEN he finds her, she should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practised only in total darkness.
CLEVER wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband.
AS soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow.
BY their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child-bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband.
SOOOO I guess that means if you're not already divorced by the tenth anniversary... do so quick! And I really hate that whole nagging right after idea. Gives me the chills.
What do you do when you're the world's fattest man and you want to have sex? Well, you don't go to a hooker because they have standards. You get married! And then when your wife can't actually figure out a way to do it with your chubby self, you get your friends to help. Not help as in hold your giant rolls up so your lady can find your stuff, but help as in put their heads together and figure out a way for you to do it yourself.
This is the shit Manuel Uribe - who weighs 1,257 lbs - and his wife Claudia deal with. Manuel can't actually move enough to do it. Sexy, right? So his friends built him a 'sex ramp.' It's three feet tall and somehow allows his wife "greater access to his private parts," which I'm sure she wants. Manuel is very happy with his ramp, and I guess he thinks god is to:
“We have finally had sex and we are a true couple in the eyes of God. We feel like we are in heaven here on Earth.”
Wow. That sounds abolutely nothing like heaven on earth.
What do Henry Rollins and Marky Mark have in common? They're both done it with Madonna. Who woulda guessed?? I!!
Some newspaper reporter who I guess doesn't have much to do has been paid to make a list of all the boys and girls who have done it with her. Of course, she's done it with waaaaay more. So this list basically sucks and is just a time killer. Those fucking newspaper guys. Anyways, if you really care, check out -----> this.
